When You Realise Something Is Not Right

Ever felt like something is just off or amiss with you? There could be nothing wrong and all could be well in your life but something is off and just doesn’t feel right. If you are like me, because lately this is me, take a cup of your favourite warmth and have a seat, we’re about to offload.

If you are new here then I welcome you and I hoped this wasn’t how we’d meet but I guess life has a way of connecting us even in our sour phases. I love life, don’t get me wrong and by love I mean I eat life all up at once, whatever that means. Basically I enjoy waking up everyday and I give thanks to the Almighty for the miracle. Life is meant to be lived and Farah wants to inspire life.

Okay back to the baggage.

Of late I have been feeling an overwhelming sense of self doubt and unworthiness. I doubt everything I do, I fear everything I touch(work related); which is making me feel even more remorseful as I love to create and I am passionate about what I do, but the fear is killing my ability to execute. I don’t know where this is coming from but lately I feel like am unable to do a lot of things I would previously would never have had a second think about. For eg, I type out a tweet and delete it instantly, not once but a couple of times during the course of the day and I end up wondering why did I press delete. I don’t feel confident enough and I am always surrounded by a sense of incapability. This has been the reason for my current inconsistent(more like ghosting) pattern on my social media platforms.

Couple of months ago I had a successful Launch event and what should have been my moment to soak in all the good that was unfolding, I was instead feeling anxious and my nerves were all over the place. So much so I totally fell flat when I was giving my keynote speech. I disappointed myself and I haven’t garnered the strength to publish the video up-to date. I keep telling myself, rather the voices in my head, that it wasn’t good enough.

I may be sounding ungrateful at this point but that’s not the case, I am on the contrary very content with all that has been going on for me but I can’t shake this sensation of unworthiness, and this is not like me!! I love and adore myself and constantly remind myself of my abilities, but something is definitely not right.

So I naturally hoped on to Google and read a few articles and majority of them mentioned causes that could lead to self doubt and the infamous ‘imposter syndrome’. I found myself relating to the following:

Fear of success and new challenges are often the causes of self doubt and imposter syndrome. While I continuously make the extra effort to create valuable, positive and appreciable content, a perfectionist in my own way; it has been one of the reasons I have slowed down. I don’t feel like anything I create is worthy to go out in the world.

Of late I have also been asking loads of questions, whether it be about my work, my art or my own personal life. Everything is jumbled up in my little head and I am just trying to make sense of it, one knot at a time.

I do feel uncertain at times and I also fear asking because it may seem trivial to someone yet it is what’s keeping me up at night. I have noticed if you ask something it only adds fuel to the fire of self doubt because 90% of the times the answer you receive is always what you knew, but now you are doubting your sense of understanding things. For eg, I could be knowing the answer to something but I’ll go ahead and ask a friend, they respond with what I already knew. Now I start to feel stupid for asking and doubting my sense of understanding. Do you see a pattern here. It doesn’t mean my friend has made me feel stupid, heck they couldn’t even know I have these thoughts running in my head.

Sometimes the ability to make a decision on your own also seems as if it is a life and death situation. I have stepped in a new role as a leader and I feel as though I am in constant review of my actions, sometimes I feel completely lost and sometimes I seem to have it all under control. But there is a lingering fear in my head, a voice, that never fails to remind me that I might fail. And that is terrifying.

Lack of motivation to do what I love the most which is creating. I’ll share an embarrassing incident; I connected with an online pal and we promised each other to set some writing goals and then account for them every month via a call, we even had a date blocked on our calendars. Come accounting day we both almost always postponed the call and most recently we never called in to check on each other. The calls were always a confession on how I failed and put everything else ahead of my writing goal and then we’d end on yet another promise to do better next month.

I wouldn’t call it laziness, because that’s what I thought it was at first, nor is it the weather(it is freezing in Nairobi at the time of writing this), it is merely a lackadaisical behaviour. Upon reading more about it I understand that I do lack the enthusiasm and hardly make an effort these days. I no longer have that urge to create almost as if a spark has gone off. Oh it is the most dull place to be in. Nothing feels like sugar and spice and all things nice.

Comparisons and the toxicity it comes with. Of late I am doing a lot of it and I am not proud of myself one bit. As someone who has constantly believed in her abilities, no matter how limited they are and advocated for the same, I am finding myself drawing comparisons which are obviously unreal and impossible. So why am I on this train anyway?

I believe in being me, my truest self, no filters (#TeamReal). Unfortunately this is the train that leads to loss of one’s true identity because we cease to see our true self and only see an unreal comparison of what we think we should be.

On the same light I also don’t want attention drawn towards me which is why I am not taking as many pictures as I would normally. This my friends has truly shocked me the most. If you know me, I am not intimidated by the camera, I love to show myself off but I feel like a constant eye of judgement is following me everywhere that will tell me I am not perfect or good enough.

Do you see the negative traits that all the above feelings have led to.

I am glad I have noticed my state and I am not one to sit around and do nothing. I owe it to myself to be there for me and so I am going to work on myself. The question is how?

Well, that’s a blog post for another day…for now I am happy that I have garnered the courage to write this up and on the same breath I am going to schedule it for publishing right away before I begin to hear those dreaded voices and leave this in the drafts folder.

Do you feel like an imposter of late? Does it hurt that you are not feeling motivated to do what you love to do? Share below, let’s bond over the negative and come out positive. Don’t forget to share this blog with someone who might need it.

Remember to not be so hard on yourself, realisation is also a step towards change and you don’t have to have it all figured out at once.