Why it is okay to not have it all figured out

If there is anything 2020 has taught me it is to be aware of my feelings and energy. I discovered an increase in my awareness of self than any other time in my life. Even when my body was changing physically, I see it now that, I never wanted to understand the emotions, hence turning myself into a bitter being. I see it now that I chose to overlook my feelings at any given moment, I never assessed the exact feelings I felt at that particular moment. 

As the pandemic dawned on us, I was spending a lot of time alone in my room on my laptop, anxiously sending out cold emails and direct messages to potential companies in the hopes of landing a job or a brand deal, I think back now and realise my fear. I was so eager to get a response from anyone, and the few that did successfully made me smile that day. My social media was a mess too, I was not as active and all of a sudden I didn’t know what to post. I found myself in a blank space, although I’d burst with ideas but I find myself lost in implementation. 

I know it happens to the best of us and it is a part of being a human. The thing is my anxiety was apparent and my mum sensed it. Our escape was simple and effective, although just for the moment. We’d spend time chatting away on everything, she’d update me on all the Whatsapp “breaking news” oh the number of times I had to prepare myself for what I was about to hear because that medium is wild with theories. We would gossip about family and we managed to binge watch so many Pakistani tv series. One thing I am so proud of is I got her and dad to watch a Turkish series, next thing I know they are watching without me and happily recapping episodes to me. I mean look at the audacity. Watching tv was an easy escape for us, here was a lot we were dealing with at the moment and the emotional burden was heavy, so silently watching tv and getting lost in that space was simpler.

Come 2021 and I started digging deeper into my inner feelings and emotions. I remember I cried a lot. I don’t know why but I would just breakdown and sulk randomly, such episodes would go on for a few days until I was “normal”. I clearly remember discovering ClubHouse and discovering something new about myself. I have never been the same, I like to think it helped me to change my perception on a lot of things, and I mean a lot. It was a beautiful journey, yes even the crying and sulking, because it helped me to discover myself more deeply. I noticed how I felt after crying and I also noticed I would talk a lot to the Almighty as I sulked. The randomness is almost creative.

I found myself clinging to God for answers more, I think I was just tired of asking humans. I clearly remember the confusion about where I was headed as a brand and what it is I was out to achieve, exploring different areas of my creativity and discovering new possibilities for myself. 

It is at this point I fully accepted and welcomed the fact that I was not at all in charge of my direction and I had no clue where I was heading. Ironically the realisation was completely positive and I was highly unperturbed by the fact. When we accept that things are no longer in our control, we give space to our minds to open up to bolder visions and think clearly on the next steps. Of course it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and people to help you sail your ship through the tides of uncertainty and complexities. I am grateful that God sent some amazing humans who in their own way helped my ship get past the volatile tides.

How I steer from here is my responsibility and I have grown accustomed to the reality of my journey. Here are few things I keep note of and constantly come back to remind myself: 

You are refining: I like to think that every chapter of my life is refining me for the next one. I rewired myself to think that if something doesn’t go well it is not a failure on my end but a mere stumble and learning block I have to go through to steer me further. There were times I felt useless in dire situations and incapable of many things, I’d ball my eyes out while internally I would be screaming in my lungs, but even after all the complaints there was not much that changed about me or my situation. Your mindset plays a crucial role in your behaviour; once you have your mind in the right place, you can pause and breakdown because you are human after all, but you will know how to wash your face and get back to the helm.

You got to be thrilled: Gary Vaynerchuck keeps on reminding us that we should only do that which makes us happy, which thrills us and which excites us and I finally came to realise the true definition of this statement. It is true that when we do what gives us “life” 99% of the time we will be fully present and actively involved in it. I make it a point to remind myself to find that which makes me happy, and when I notice I am no longer feeling good I allow myself to retract and not feel guilty about it. Often we find ourselves burdened with guilt if we no longer feel like completing a task we were initially eager to perform and I feel this is wrong on our part. Learn that some things will grow out of your system and it is okay to no longer continue that course. It is also possible that we get fatigued because of the routinely aspect of the project and when we pause or break from it, it justifies our sanctity. I found myself afraid of saying no to many things or failing to complete a task and blaming myself all the more for my shortcomings. I am now aware of my energy and space and slowly building my capacities in line with my new self.

Exclusively yours: Each and every one of us is unique in our own ways and we all have unique capabilities. It is another thing that we don’t realise this fact and make it work to our advantage, and you thought humans are intelligent. Just as our beings we are all on different and unique journeys. Once I realised that my journey was special, and I would be lying if I told you that I don’t forget this frequently, I knew that chartering my path will require patience and resilience on my part. But it is also true that I am fully confident of the fact my Lord is present for me. There are times I have felt why I didn’t get to graduate or why I am the only unmarried cousin/friend in my circle, but these questions only got me more worked up than anything. So I rewire my mind to note the fact that I am a free spirit with no limitations, no kids or husband to tend to. This doesn’t mean I don’t want any of that in the future, all I know is that just as everything else in my life this too will be unique to my journey. 

Consistently developing: No we never stopped developing we are all ever developing, progressing and becoming more. Constantly reminding myself that I can never know it all I could never figure it out, I need that constant update just like in all our devices. Our mind’s programming also needs the updates for us to perceive better, expand more and evolve to be a better version than the last update. That is not to say there won’t be any bugs; just like any update it takes time for the new configurations to settle in, so take your time and embrace all the changes. 

He is in charge: The pandemic made us realise one major aspect of our beings, that we already know but choose to overlook, that there is a higher power in charge of everything. God is in charge and He knows what is best for us. As I continue to learn about my spirituality I have found comfort in knowing and ascertaining the fact that my Lord is in charge and I am guided. That is all.

As I keep sailing along I know there is a lot to learn and maybe I will never have anything figured out because changes are constant.